Tag Archives: invisible disease

#sickbody, ankylosing spondylitis, Arthritis, chronic disease, chronic pain, health, Healthcare, Invisible disease, Patient Advocacy, sickness, spondyloarthritis

Why Sick People Neglect Their Healthcare

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Have you ever seen the training videos for retail workers about the dangers of repetitive motion injuries? They came to mind the other day after a recent experience switching medications to treat my ankylosing spondylitis.

Managing ankylosing spondylitis – or any chronic disease – is like the momentum of a repetitive motion injury, but worse. Chronic diseases come with a slightly different package. With enough rest and care, a repetitive motion injury can heal and go away, but chronic (read: always there) diseases have no cure.

For example:

To get a new specialty prescription I must call my doctor, health insurance company, drug manufacturing company, and pharmacy multiple times over several days (or weeks) to finally get the medication in hand. Often guesswork determines who to call next because as a patient I don’t know where the process has stalled. It feels a bit ironic for me to be the last to know. I hear things like this on the phone: Continue reading Why Sick People Neglect Their Healthcare →

#sickbody, ankylosing spondylitis, Arthritis, chronic disease, chronic pain, Grief, health, Invisible disease, sickness, spondyloarthritis

One of the ‘Some Days’

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Flashback: March 26, 2015

Today is one of the ‘some days’.

Some days, I wake up in a paralyzed body. Paralyzed by pain, fatigue, anger, confusion, loss.

Some days I wake with two metal rods in place of the muscles around my spine. Someone inserted them during the night and turned on the heat. I am on fire.

Some days I wake in a fog, seeing myself as an island of disease and disability. I am a spider under a lens with its body in focus while the extremities are blurred. My whole being is my lower back, with things like arms and legs tacked on as extras. I feel pain but I can’t move to make it stop. As my senses come alive I become aware of the pain radiating along my whole torso with intensity that only increases.

Some days I wake in fear. I want to move, but movement means pain, yet remaining still means pain. I am afraid of my body yet I am trapped inside it.

Some days my arms flail or just lift and fall when I try to move them – I am paralyzed.

Some days I wake with stiff muscles that spasm if touched. If I bend my knees to my chest to stretch, my body rejects the motion because of those metal rods of muscle some evil force stuck in me and my whole back spasms.

Some days I wake with anger that I am no longer the person I never imagined I could lose. I am grieving the loss of Charis. I am the remnants of Charis and I am trying to make something of what’s left.

I will never give up hope that people living with severe chronic diseases can live more normal lives without fear.

Maybe, one day, I will wake up without fear.

#sickbody, ankylosing spondylitis, Arthritis, chronic disease, chronic pain, health, Invisible disease, sickness, spondyloarthritis

My Body’s Symphony

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When you see me you see a picture of health. A young body. Eyes that shine through the pain. Even my doctor says, “So you’re healthy aside from your diagnosis of Ankylosing Spondylitis, so that’s good.” What an ironic statement.

I see a body in the mirror that looks like mine, but this is not my body anymore.  This body now belongs to someone else, it is a stranger’s body.2015-03-28 14.33.58

Look past my face.  Look past my beautiful face to the pain.  Slight outward signs, my physical insecurities, only wait for the trained eye to discover: discolored splotches of skin, a slight hunch, constant readjusting when seated or standing for long periods of time – indirect signs of a disease that causes far more insecurities than the clinical diagnosis on paper can possibly reflect.

Look at ME! Past the click bait, that fancy model pose that got you here. Here, a glimpse inside my twisted fate, my gnarly spine. I’ve got plenty of backbone, thank you, that leaves me in an ironically fragile state. Bone spurs take root and strike a nerve softly like the soft staccato of pianissimo on the baby grande, until my legs give way – the build up of a chord deep within (thudding along, a low F on the bass clef) until an avalanche of sound screams from within my joints. This is my symphony – all my cells screaming (begging), “Finale!” while the inflamed audience – the peanut gallery – screams, “Encore!” It must be raining today the way Beethoven has woven his angry Symphony number 5 in C minor through my body.  Or maybe Dvořák’s Symphony number 9 in E minor. Beautiful pain. Continue reading My Body’s Symphony →

#sickbody, ankylosing spondylitis, Arthritis, chronic disease, chronic pain, disability, Invisible disease, spondyloarthritis, Uncategorized

Learning How to Fly Again

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When I was diagnosed with ankylosing spondylitis my life flipped upside down. It was as if I was born into a new body; one that I never imagined could exist. I was a baby and everything was new again. But not exciting. It was new and scary. And my life is still upside down.

I still remember the feeling of intentionally exhausting myself playing soccer or running or dancing all night, then waking up happily sore the following morning. This is not what my body feels now. Now, no matter what I do the day before – whether I just went to work, cooked, gardened, or even just stayed at home “resting” – my body reacts as if someone is constantly sticking pins into my voodoo doll and twisting them deeper and deeper into my bones and joints.  My muscles are just trying to keep up. Continue reading Learning How to Fly Again →