Flashback: March 26, 2015
Today is one of the ‘some days’.
Some days, I wake up in a paralyzed body. Paralyzed by pain, fatigue, anger, confusion, loss.
Some days I wake with two metal rods in place of the muscles around my spine. Someone inserted them during the night and turned on the heat. I am on fire.
Some days I wake in a fog, seeing myself as an island of disease and disability. I am a spider under a lens with its body in focus while the extremities are blurred. My whole being is my lower back, with things like arms and legs tacked on as extras. I feel pain but I can’t move to make it stop. As my senses come alive I become aware of the pain radiating along my whole torso with intensity that only increases.
Some days I wake in fear. I want to move, but movement means pain, yet remaining still means pain. I am afraid of my body yet I am trapped inside it.
Some days my arms flail or just lift and fall when I try to move them – I am paralyzed.
Some days I wake with stiff muscles that spasm if touched. If I bend my knees to my chest to stretch, my body rejects the motion because of those metal rods of muscle some evil force stuck in me and my whole back spasms.
Some days I wake with anger that I am no longer the person I never imagined I could lose. I am grieving the loss of Charis. I am the remnants of Charis and I am trying to make something of what’s left.
I will never give up hope that people living with severe chronic diseases can live more normal lives without fear.
Maybe, one day, I will wake up without fear.
3 thoughts on “One of the ‘Some Days’”
You have so eloquently worded my morning emotional routine. I love to sleep though I dread waking up from my slumber on account I know what will be waiting for me when I wake. Honestly cannot remember not waking up in some for of pain. From mild discomfort to excruciating pain.
So how do I attempt to live a life of some normality while living with Ankylosing Spondylitis? Well if I find out how will most definitely let everyone else know.
I do know that talking about it an reading about others experiences, truly helps. Just knowing others go through similar physical pain makes me feel less hopeless an more optimistic.
For now what I have found
My heating pad an very hot showers in the morning seems to help an ease some of the pain. Slow deep stretching accompanied by a walk.
Last but not least for me, laughter seems to be the best Medicine.
Hi Charis, have you ever considered bee venom treatment? I am studying this, and considering it. Not really suggesting it, just curious. I might try it. There is even a group that meets periodically to get their bee stings. I read about a lady dying of Lyme when she was swarmed by, I think African bees (maybe it was some other kind of bees, but it was bees). In a wheelchair, her caretaker fled and she was bitten badly. She asked her caretaker to take her to her room and close the door and dispose of her body the next day. When the pain subsided, she was recovering. I think she was the start of the bee venom treatment. She recovered, if not all the way, almost all the way. She started offering bee venom and bee sting treatment and continued it herself. I have heard they ice they a painful area and then get stung on purpose. I am not recommending it, but I find it very interesting.