Flashback: March 26, 2015
Today is one of the ‘some days’.
Some days, I wake up in a paralyzed body. Paralyzed by pain, fatigue, anger, confusion, loss.
Some days I wake with two metal rods in place of the muscles around my spine. Someone inserted them during the night and turned on the heat. I am on fire.
Some days I wake in a fog, seeing myself as an island of disease and disability. I am a spider under a lens with its body in focus while the extremities are blurred. My whole being is my lower back, with things like arms and legs tacked on as extras. I feel pain but I can’t move to make it stop. As my senses come alive I become aware of the pain radiating along my whole torso with intensity that only increases.
Some days I wake in fear. I want to move, but movement means pain, yet remaining still means pain. I am afraid of my body yet I am trapped inside it.
Some days my arms flail or just lift and fall when I try to move them – I am paralyzed.
Some days I wake with stiff muscles that spasm if touched. If I bend my knees to my chest to stretch, my body rejects the motion because of those metal rods of muscle some evil force stuck in me and my whole back spasms.
Some days I wake with anger that I am no longer the person I never imagined I could lose. I am grieving the loss of Charis. I am the remnants of Charis and I am trying to make something of what’s left.
I will never give up hope that people living with severe chronic diseases can live more normal lives without fear.
Maybe, one day, I will wake up without fear.